Oh, Key West…

What a weekend.
Truly, no matter how often I consider moving away, I know that I’m a true Floridian. I’ve been up each coast, straight through the middle and out. From the ‘Glades, the Keys, the swamp and woods, the gulf, to the lights of Miami … I’ve been there. And damn it, it’s home.

Luckily for me, I went down with some of the finest folks I know and had a wonderful time. It did, of course, lead to overhearing some of the more fascinating conversations the south has to offer.

(Two drunken blond beach bunnies)
“I didn’t know he was a transvestite!”
“Well why not?”
“Was I supposed to reach down there and feel around for it or something?! I need to do that from now on.”

(As I’m taking a photo, a young man approaches behind me.)
“Hey, yo. Hey. I want yo money!”

(Weird half-naked tourist on pier at sunrise.)
“I, ahh, does not know you, but ahhh, you want, ahhh, lotions? On?”

(Old man outside of bar to younger man.)
“Ohh yeaaah, I remember that girl … she’s the one with the light-up thingers in her nipples.”

(Random drunken woman on phone.)
“Hahaha! Oh my god, so like, he really did just stick that thing right in there and swirl it around! Ewwwwww, gross.”

(Man to other male friends in see-through shirt.)
“You know, now that you’re forty, you can have sex with Claudia. She’s twenty. It’s the right thing to do.”

(Ryan gets an honorable mention as well, from the closet of our hotel.)
“Hee hee. Hee hee hee hee. Tequila. Hee hee. I love tequila. Hee hee hee.”

Those are just a *few* of the things I heard that day, but I’m sure I’ll remember many more.
But all in all, it was amazing. Just amazing. How can I resist this place? It has the attitude I adore coupled with the enjoyable places I can’t deny. Mm. Going back is necessary.

One a side note, on the way here I was given another special surprise. Now, considering that I was in a minivan with not only my mother but my kids, this guy had some balls. He pulled up to the driver’s side of the van, lifted his sunglasses annnd:
Man: “Hey. Hey there.”
Mother: “I think someone is talking to you.”
Me: “I know.”
Man: “Hey… who is that beautiful lady with you?”
Mother: “My daughter.”
Man: “….” *stare*
Me: “…”
Man: “Sorry, I don’t mean to stare, but I can’t help it. Just… wow.” *stare*
Mother: “Uh huh.”
Man: “Y’all have a nice day, now.”
*man rides off, looking behind him*
Me: “Did that seriously just happen?”
Mother: “You’re a Larrett.”
Me: “Right.”

Ah, nothing pleases me more than teaching my kids how not to flirt. Generally, doing so at a red light through your prospect’s mother is not the best idea.


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