I’ve never really written about my job on here before, but I think something needs to be addressed. A few things, actually– so, here you go.
1. Please– and this is a big please– don’t ask me why it’s a bad idea to use your old, stripped cables near a leaking fog machine. Seriously.
2. If you pull the microphone too far, have it snap back and magically lose audio… this is not my fault. You’re stupid. Stop yelling at me.
3. No. You cannot use the monitor as a seat. Your ass is the cause of the crackling you’re asking to have fixed. Please stop.
4. Never question my use of gaff tape and if it’ll hold. Gaff tape was commissioned by God himself to tape together rickety solar systems. True story.
5. If you’re an actor, take advice from the good old Tech Bible: I’m a person with marketable job skills without you. Without me, you’re naked in the dark, emoting alone.
6. I don’t really care how they do it in Chicago. I’m still not going to assure you a solo dressing room while everyone else has to change in the hallway. You’re not that cool, bud.
7. Yes, you look fine. No, really. Yes. You… yes, you… you look… god damn it… YOU LOO– YOU LOOK FINE, DAMN IT.
8. When you’re shocked at the sight of someone in all black when you’re backstage and assume this makes them emo/goth, or make the joke of “who died,” you need to go home. Go.
9. Asking the lighting person why the audio is off, then complaining to the rail guy that you have weird shadowing from the lights, while begging the audio guy to drop the curtain at said time will earn you nothing. Learn who your techs are, or forever be confused.
10. It’s not a light bulb. It’s a lamp. Don’t say the light bulb went out in a light. Try sticking a light bulb in a stage unit and see what happens.
11. While I’m sure that your friends and family are far more important than everyone else’s, I see no reason for you to beg me to get them backstage ten thousand times. Or for tickets. Or for an autograph. Or their underwear, you sick bastard.
12. When I’m not working and at a show with you, don’t bother trying to get me to pay attention to the band. I’m checking out their gear, and I will for half of the show. It’s a deep, emotional need of mine. Stop holding me back, man!
13. When it’s season, just pretend like I’m dead. Trying to make plans with me will be as fruitful sticking a wrench in your dog’s ass and telling him to go fix your car. In other words, fairly painful, useless, and probably illegal.
14. If your band is having a show, I’d be glad to help you load in your gear. (Hello, Shovel!)
15. If it’s live TV and you “forgot” a cue you needed to go over, miss it, and get yelled at by the big guys… it isn’t magically my fault. I didn’t make you forget. If I had that power, I’d be totally awesome.
16. Last but not least, my most important thing to say … you’re not giving the mic a blowjob. Please stop trying to deep throat the poor thing. Saliva doesn’t help them work well, as hilarious as the image is.
I’m sure there are many things I am forgetting, but I may have blocked out some of the truly dumb things to spare my sanity. Not all techs are smart, not all actors are dicks, and not all directors are fuckheads… but there’s always at least one guy that likes to fling around a douchebag stick and mess things up. Don’t be that guy!